Pack It Up & Go

Jan of 2022 we had moved out of the camper, finished building a beautiful house, and were ready for life to settle down a bit. Whew! What a wild last few years. I was learning how to be a special needs parent. We were ready for rest. We decided to take our kids out of private school, slow down, and begin homeschooling. I wasn't sure if I was cut out to be a "homeschool mom", but I was willing to give it a go. Homeschooling ended up being one of the best decisions we have ever made. I've learned that homeschooling looks different to each family. Thank goodness we took the leap! We needed a win.

Life in a new house is pretty amazingly easy. We had room for all of us and nothing ever broke down. However, something unexplainable was definitely off. After living there for 10 months, my husband and I sat at the dinner table after the kids went to bed. I'll never forget this moment. We both just stared at each other, silently, as if neither of us wanted to be the first to say it. It felt like we sat there for 30 minutes. "We need to move", I finally broke the ice. "We gotta move", he responded. And that was that. Neither of us did a deep dive into why or offered an explanation, because neither of us had one.

I was confused and honestly, sad. I felt like a failure. We had a 30 acre farm, the nicest house we would ever own, happy kids and we couldn't make that work. What was wrong with us? I felt like God had given us everything we asked for and we were now both secure in feeling like we weren't supposed to live there another minute. Were we crazy? Ungrateful? We were really unsure what was going on. Goodbye to my 8 foot tall, all wood Pella windows. Goodbye million dollar mountain views. Goodbye square footage. Goodbye working toilets, new appliances, and hardwood floors.Goodbye land. Goodbye to everything we worked so hard on. Goodbyes hurt more when you have no idea what you're about to say hello to. We decided to move to Texas to be closer to my family. That just seemed like the sensible thing to do.

When we broke the news to friends and family, it felt pretty embarrassing. Alot of people thought it was really cool that we lived off grid and were willing to work so hard for our dreams. They kind of followed along and enjoyed hearing updates. I couldn't explain to everyone why we decided to move. As in, I physically could not put it into words .I myself didn't even really know why. I just knew we had to. I remember letting a little bit of vulnerability sneak out once. I told a family member, "I feel like Gods telling me to 'Let go and let God'". They looked at me like I was you know- crazy. "Just sit down snd make a plan", they retorted abruptly... embarrassment and failure flooded my body. They didnt get it. How could they understand? I didn't even really get it. I just kept my mouth zipped after that and stopped trying to explain to people. Alot of people close to me saw me at my absolute worst during this time. I was really confused, probably depressed, and my lack of decision making and inability to explain really hurt some of my closest relationships.

"Write it on the wall God. I'll do whatever you want, but please, smack me in the face with the answer. I can't do this anymore."

When you ask God for something, be ready for an answer.

A week later a large, angry, drug induced man broke onto our property, destroyed my husbands truck with a crowbar, started to undress himself and violently threatened to kill me and my kids.

My husband defended us extremely well. May God forever bless him.

The kids and I never spent another night in that house. "Pack it up and go."

The kids and I drove to Texas.

*If you know me personally, I would prefer not to talk about this event in person. Thank you for being considerate and not bringing it up. NEVER MENTION THIS TO MY CHILDREN. We have spent the last 2 years as a family healing. I spent the last 2 years pressing multiple charges that were just recently dismissed. This chapter is over for us.*